Post by Jas on Oct 24, 2009 16:36:46 GMT -5
Not fanfiction, so I'm putting it up on this board ^^
As we all know, Allie loves to write! x3 There was a draft she worked on, and she liked for the Panda Warriors to read it. I'll put it in her own words, since that'll be the most obvious
"I'm up for critiques and whatever, could you post the story on the Panda Warriors' forum if you can? Please? I want to see what the others think. Just for you guys, and the 'newbies too. :3 Plus I think you guys will wanna know what I'm up with Zinc, Kyra, Jlix and friends."
I think that's a great idea, since we're lucky to have quite a bunch of great writers on this forum She also said that it hasn't to be read it if they don't want to, but she's curious about what you guys think, and it's always good to get several opinions I believe ^^
About the chapter itself, she mentioned this:
"I'm not sure if I'm finished with this chapter yet, and this is an outline. I'm going to start in the middle, working out in the end, and last but not least, the beginning of the story.
I'd love it if you had any critiques. Like who is this 'Randall Creed', and was a bully towards Ross? Is he really in prison? What did he do that was so bad?
Stuff like that, I don't want to create any plotholes! Then again, if I do, I may have to think up a second book. ^^
P.S. - I hope you're not too surprised to see that Zinc and Friends are in the story. :3
But as I said, some of these chapters will not be appropiate for children. (There won't be any sex in the book. It has to do with the conflict that I'm trying to think about. And none of the 'F' bomb. That's a "no-no".)"
I don't think that needs anymore explanation x3 She'll be sure to check you guys's comments on here as a guest member, and I'm sure she'd appreciate it a lot.
So everyone knock themselves out!
I already read it, and I quite enjoyed it ^^ Hope you do, too!
- - - - -
“How did you wind up with Henry in the first place?” asked Ellie, looking up curiously at the young writer. Ross exhaled, releasing the smoke from his lungs. He laid his head back, eyes closed. Ellie assumed that her friend was in deep thought. The two were out on the roof patio, watching the snow fall from the sky.
“Children of Society,” Ross answered.
“The orphanage?”
“Yep. ‘Told me that I have large blue eyes. Those were the first words Hank said to Me.” said Ross, grinning. Ellie narrowed her eyes. “But I don’t understand,” she said, “How did Henry meet with-” “Me? El, I’ve been sincere since you’ve moved here. I’m straight, a smoker, I’m adopted. Adopted by a family that I’ve grown to love for years. People always looked at me, whispering to one another that a white boy was adopted by a family of blacks. And you know what?”
“No,” Ellie said, shaking her head with a smile. “What?”
“I’m not willing to give a damn, that’s what.” Ross said softly. His smile returned.
~**
“Go on now, Henry,” urged Mrs. Moore. The little boy looked up at his mother. “Go on; see if you can pick out a new brother!”
Henry glanced at the door, leaving his mother and manager of the orphanage. He turned the knob, and then walked into a small classroom with a bundle of children near little Hank’s age. The dark-skinned boy started pacing, taking in his surroundings.
Recess was now in session.
He peered around, but then stopped—setting eyes on a small boy at the edge of the class, working alone. Hank walked down the aisles of desks towards the lonely boy. Children hushed, noticing the ‘newcomer’ looking out at the ‘outcast’. Hank stood in front of the boy’s desk, seeing that he was writing his in notebook.
Henry took a deep breath and reached out as he curled his palm into a fist, and then knocked onto the boy’s wooden desk. The little boy stopped writing with his pencil, slowly looking up. Hank gasped in amazement, drawing his hand back.
The boy raised his eyebrows, saying nothing. He waited until the other boy spoke. Henry was gazing into two of the most incredible eyes in his eight-year-old life! He looked about the exact age, with messy brown hair on his head, and few freckles on his nose. The boy wore a red t-shirt with a nice pair of ol’ blue jeans and Nike sneakers.
“You have big blue eyes!” Hank exclaimed, his own eyes widening. Children burst out into laughter, roaring and pointing as the two boys exchanged glances to one another in silence. The brown-haired boy cracked a smile.
“Well… you’ve gotta big nose!” he said, nodding. “It’s pretty nifty!” Henry beamed. “Really? You think so?”
The boy nodded again. “Yep! I bet you could really sniff with it far. Like a Myraan.” Henry scrunched his nose.
“A what?”
“Myraan.” said the orphan, scooting over to the other side of his seat in able to make room. Henry sat down beside him, watching as the boy turned the pages through his notebook.
“My name’s Ross,” said the boy.
“Cool name,” Hank complimented. Ross turned his head to him.
“What’s yours?”
“Henry… Hank’s a nickname.” Ross grinned. “I like’em both! Pretty nifty.”
“You sure like ta’ say that word a lot,” said Hank. Ross shrugged his shoulders. “I think everybody has a word to keep.” Hank nodded, glancing down to look at the drawings of figures to seem to look like furry and colorful animals standing on two feet. There were two of them, male and female.
“These are ‘Myraans’,” Ross stated, pointing the aliens out. “Their noses reminded me of yours,” Hank blinked.
“They have weird shaped-noses,” said Hank. “’Don’t look like a thing like mine.” Ross giggled. “But they’re big like yours!”
“Eh… maybe you’re right. But their noses won’t be as big as their ears!” The boy pointed to the purple mryaan’s tall ears. Ross agreed, nodding his head.
“They’re gonna detect radar.” Hank tilted his head.
“What’s that supposed ‘ta mean, Ross?”
“The ears can hear from far, far away!”
“Oh. What’re their names anyway?”
“The blue one is Jlix. Jay-liiicks.” said Ross, pronouncing the male’s name, “And the purple girl is Kyra. Kiii-ruh. Blue’ll be the main color for the boy, and purple for girls!”
“Who’s that?” Hank asked, looking interested at a creature which had a scaly back and large wings.
“Zinc, the silver dragon.” Ross said proudly. “Instead of fire, he’ll breathe ice.”
Hank smiled. “Cool.”
Ross suddenly laughed out loud—even if he knew that was a bad pun. But he didn’t want for his new friend to be hurt, so he went along with it.
“They’re my characters… I wanna be an author when I grow up. What do you wanna be, Hank?” asked Ross curiously.
“I wanna be a doctor like my Momma,” Hank said. “I wanna save people’s lives and do well!” He then chuckled aloud, sharing his opinion. “Maybe when ya’ll be an author, you can marry a drawer. She can draw you pictures when you write the books!”
“I dunno… I’ve never really talked with girls before,” said Ross, glancing to the crowd of students. He exhaled a breath, turning back to his friend. “Maybe when I’m older. But you gotta promise me something.”
“What?”
“Since you wanna be a doctor, you marry a nurse! Do we have a deal?”
Hank grinned, high-fiving him. “Deal!”
Through the door of the window where Mrs. Moore and the manager were watching, Heidi Moore spoke out-loud.
“I think little Hanky has found his brother.”
~**
“And… that’s our story,” Ross finished, letting the last of his cigarette become buried in the soot of the tray. Ellie smiled kindheartedly at him, wrapping her arms around her knees and bringing them to her chest.
“I thought it was wonderful,” she said. Ross chuckled, wiping his mouth. “No, really… I wouldn’t be surprised either once he saw your eyes.” Ellie said. “They’re so… captivating, Ross. So blue… so true, and one of a kind!”
“I understand it’s all in the eyes, Ellie,” Ross said.
“—But it’s all what’s in the heart,” she finished. He nodded, looking out to the snow again.
“Do you think,” Ellie began. Ross looked at her, full attention on her. “You still have those drawings and profiles of your characters?” she asked, hopefully. “… I mean, if you’re still working on those children books after all these years, I could always try and—”
“Draw… them?”
She nodded; a shy smile lighting up on her face. He thought for a moment, wondering after all these years he would still have them with him. Ross felt flattered that she wanted to draw his old characters from childhood. He then smiled at her. “Okay. Let’s see if they’re here or not.”
~**
He knew that Henry wouldn’t be back for about a half an hour, he was working late at the Cardinal Glennon hospital. Ross dug inside a drawer of his dresser, trying to seek out his childhood fantasies. Pencils and heaps of notebook paper were crammed in the far left, where Ross thought he may have left.
“I remember bringing them once we moved here,” he said to Ellie, “Just—wait a minute…” He saw a small drawing on an old piece of paper. Ross grinned with triumph, finally finding his old works under such clutters. He brought out the papers, running a gentle hand across. His blue eyes widened in shock.
“Wow,” he breathed, “… I sucked so much when I was a kid.”
“No, you didn’t,” said Ellie, resting both hands on his shoulders. She squatted down next to him, reassuring in support. “They look fine. Especially Zinc and the Myraans.” He passed her one of the folded papers, and she took it. Unfolding it, Ellie gasped. “Awww…”
It was a picture of Zinc and his best friend, Zoey. Princess of Dralona.
“robably… Freshman year of high school?” Ross thought, clearing his throat. “If I had references with me, it was to be much better.” Ellie shook her head. “No, they’re cute as could be! They just need…”
“Need?”
“A little touching up, that’s all.” She said. She reached for another drawing, taking it into her grip. Ellie drew away quickly, her brown eyes widening in terror.
“Ellie, what’s wrong?” Ross asked in concern. “What is it?”
She had shown him the picture, a hand covering over her mouth. Ross sighed. He had felt his teeth grit from behind his lips. It was a picture of Zinc’s head, decapitated with the words spelt out in pencil, “Goodbye Ross, ‘hope you remember the good-times, buddy! – Love your best bud, Randall Creed.”
Ross shook his head repeatedly over, crumpling up the paper. Ellie looked compassionately at him. “Oh Ross, who—”
“Would do such a thing? Randall Creed of Children of Society.” He answered. “D—don’t worry about it, alright? It’s only a drawing.” Ellie narrowed her eyes. “No. No, Zinc is your character,” she said softly but with sternness, “That boy from the orphanage—”
“Is in prison.” Ross finished. “It doesn’t matter now. I’m free of him. Ellie, Zinc is a fictional character. He doesn’t feel anything. That goes for Jlix and Kyra too.”
“But they’re apart of you, it’s who you are.” said Ellie. “They have pieces of your personality. That’s what is creative about your mind, and your heart. What you feel… is what your characters feel.” She placed a hand on his chest. Ross felt himself bite the bottom of his lip, guilty of doubting her.
“Don’t let Creed hold you back from your dream. You can make it real, Ross.” Ellie murmured. “…We can make it real.”
“We?” Ross sounded surprised. Ellie smiled, embracing him into a comforting hug.
“Yes. We.”
We…
Ross then had a rush of thoughts back into his head.
“Maybe when ya’ll be an author, you can marry a drawer. She can draw you pictures when you write the books!”
She was an artist. He was a writer. If the two combined, they would become unstoppable. An unstoppable team of two creative minds to pursue their dreams straight into realities. That is what they were. Ross smiled, returning the warm hug. The two seemed to never let one another go, just hugging warmly without a care in the world.
“And what do we have here?” A voice came.
Ross jumped, breaking the embrace. He whirled his head, and sighed in relief. “It’s only you,” he said. Hank grinned, resting his weight against the doorway. He was still dressed in his hospital material, blue shirt and pants.
“Sorry for bargin’ in,” Hank said. The white-wide grin was still spread across his face. “Jus’ wondering if you were still up.”
“Yeah… yeah, I am.” said Ross, nodding. “I was just… explaining to Ellie of our new ideas, that’s all.”
“Oh really?” said Hank, raising a brow. Ellie giggled, pressing her lips together.
“Yes, in fact, I’ve agreed to illustrate Ross’s books. That is… if I can draw a dragon and ‘Myraan’ if I can. I’ll try.” She said. “I really should be getting back, it’s getting pretty late.”
“Would you like for me to walk you home?” Ross offered.
“Oh most definitely,” Hank cut in. “’A little lady like Ellie needs to be protected. Don’t you agree, Ross?”
Ellie burst out laughing, taking Ross’s hand in her own. “Actually, I’d be most grateful.” Henry waved his arms into the air. “You see? You’ve got the smooth moves down already, brother!”
“Very funny,” Ross remarked, cracking a silly grin.
He grasped Ellie’s hand, squeezing it. He looked at her, smiling more. She beamed. The two excused themselves from the bedroom, entering the thin staircase and hurried down it. Hank shook his head, that white smirk still on his face. He walked over to his own bedroom, shutting the door behind him.
As we all know, Allie loves to write! x3 There was a draft she worked on, and she liked for the Panda Warriors to read it. I'll put it in her own words, since that'll be the most obvious
"I'm up for critiques and whatever, could you post the story on the Panda Warriors' forum if you can? Please? I want to see what the others think. Just for you guys, and the 'newbies too. :3 Plus I think you guys will wanna know what I'm up with Zinc, Kyra, Jlix and friends."
I think that's a great idea, since we're lucky to have quite a bunch of great writers on this forum
She also said that it hasn't to be read it if they don't want to, but she's curious about what you guys think, and it's always good to get several opinions I believe ^^About the chapter itself, she mentioned this:
"I'm not sure if I'm finished with this chapter yet, and this is an outline. I'm going to start in the middle, working out in the end, and last but not least, the beginning of the story.
I'd love it if you had any critiques. Like who is this 'Randall Creed', and was a bully towards Ross? Is he really in prison? What did he do that was so bad?
Stuff like that, I don't want to create any plotholes! Then again, if I do, I may have to think up a second book. ^^
P.S. - I hope you're not too surprised to see that Zinc and Friends are in the story. :3
But as I said, some of these chapters will not be appropiate for children. (There won't be any sex in the book. It has to do with the conflict that I'm trying to think about. And none of the 'F' bomb. That's a "no-no".)"
I don't think that needs anymore explanation x3 She'll be sure to check you guys's comments on here as a guest member, and I'm sure she'd appreciate it a lot.
So everyone knock themselves out!
I already read it, and I quite enjoyed it ^^ Hope you do, too!- - - - -
“How did you wind up with Henry in the first place?” asked Ellie, looking up curiously at the young writer. Ross exhaled, releasing the smoke from his lungs. He laid his head back, eyes closed. Ellie assumed that her friend was in deep thought. The two were out on the roof patio, watching the snow fall from the sky.
“Children of Society,” Ross answered.
“The orphanage?”
“Yep. ‘Told me that I have large blue eyes. Those were the first words Hank said to Me.” said Ross, grinning. Ellie narrowed her eyes. “But I don’t understand,” she said, “How did Henry meet with-” “Me? El, I’ve been sincere since you’ve moved here. I’m straight, a smoker, I’m adopted. Adopted by a family that I’ve grown to love for years. People always looked at me, whispering to one another that a white boy was adopted by a family of blacks. And you know what?”
“No,” Ellie said, shaking her head with a smile. “What?”
“I’m not willing to give a damn, that’s what.” Ross said softly. His smile returned.
~**
“Go on now, Henry,” urged Mrs. Moore. The little boy looked up at his mother. “Go on; see if you can pick out a new brother!”
Henry glanced at the door, leaving his mother and manager of the orphanage. He turned the knob, and then walked into a small classroom with a bundle of children near little Hank’s age. The dark-skinned boy started pacing, taking in his surroundings.
Recess was now in session.
He peered around, but then stopped—setting eyes on a small boy at the edge of the class, working alone. Hank walked down the aisles of desks towards the lonely boy. Children hushed, noticing the ‘newcomer’ looking out at the ‘outcast’. Hank stood in front of the boy’s desk, seeing that he was writing his in notebook.
Henry took a deep breath and reached out as he curled his palm into a fist, and then knocked onto the boy’s wooden desk. The little boy stopped writing with his pencil, slowly looking up. Hank gasped in amazement, drawing his hand back.
The boy raised his eyebrows, saying nothing. He waited until the other boy spoke. Henry was gazing into two of the most incredible eyes in his eight-year-old life! He looked about the exact age, with messy brown hair on his head, and few freckles on his nose. The boy wore a red t-shirt with a nice pair of ol’ blue jeans and Nike sneakers.
“You have big blue eyes!” Hank exclaimed, his own eyes widening. Children burst out into laughter, roaring and pointing as the two boys exchanged glances to one another in silence. The brown-haired boy cracked a smile.
“Well… you’ve gotta big nose!” he said, nodding. “It’s pretty nifty!” Henry beamed. “Really? You think so?”
The boy nodded again. “Yep! I bet you could really sniff with it far. Like a Myraan.” Henry scrunched his nose.
“A what?”
“Myraan.” said the orphan, scooting over to the other side of his seat in able to make room. Henry sat down beside him, watching as the boy turned the pages through his notebook.
“My name’s Ross,” said the boy.
“Cool name,” Hank complimented. Ross turned his head to him.
“What’s yours?”
“Henry… Hank’s a nickname.” Ross grinned. “I like’em both! Pretty nifty.”
“You sure like ta’ say that word a lot,” said Hank. Ross shrugged his shoulders. “I think everybody has a word to keep.” Hank nodded, glancing down to look at the drawings of figures to seem to look like furry and colorful animals standing on two feet. There were two of them, male and female.
“These are ‘Myraans’,” Ross stated, pointing the aliens out. “Their noses reminded me of yours,” Hank blinked.
“They have weird shaped-noses,” said Hank. “’Don’t look like a thing like mine.” Ross giggled. “But they’re big like yours!”
“Eh… maybe you’re right. But their noses won’t be as big as their ears!” The boy pointed to the purple mryaan’s tall ears. Ross agreed, nodding his head.
“They’re gonna detect radar.” Hank tilted his head.
“What’s that supposed ‘ta mean, Ross?”
“The ears can hear from far, far away!”
“Oh. What’re their names anyway?”
“The blue one is Jlix. Jay-liiicks.” said Ross, pronouncing the male’s name, “And the purple girl is Kyra. Kiii-ruh. Blue’ll be the main color for the boy, and purple for girls!”
“Who’s that?” Hank asked, looking interested at a creature which had a scaly back and large wings.
“Zinc, the silver dragon.” Ross said proudly. “Instead of fire, he’ll breathe ice.”
Hank smiled. “Cool.”
Ross suddenly laughed out loud—even if he knew that was a bad pun. But he didn’t want for his new friend to be hurt, so he went along with it.
“They’re my characters… I wanna be an author when I grow up. What do you wanna be, Hank?” asked Ross curiously.
“I wanna be a doctor like my Momma,” Hank said. “I wanna save people’s lives and do well!” He then chuckled aloud, sharing his opinion. “Maybe when ya’ll be an author, you can marry a drawer. She can draw you pictures when you write the books!”
“I dunno… I’ve never really talked with girls before,” said Ross, glancing to the crowd of students. He exhaled a breath, turning back to his friend. “Maybe when I’m older. But you gotta promise me something.”
“What?”
“Since you wanna be a doctor, you marry a nurse! Do we have a deal?”
Hank grinned, high-fiving him. “Deal!”
Through the door of the window where Mrs. Moore and the manager were watching, Heidi Moore spoke out-loud.
“I think little Hanky has found his brother.”
~**
“And… that’s our story,” Ross finished, letting the last of his cigarette become buried in the soot of the tray. Ellie smiled kindheartedly at him, wrapping her arms around her knees and bringing them to her chest.
“I thought it was wonderful,” she said. Ross chuckled, wiping his mouth. “No, really… I wouldn’t be surprised either once he saw your eyes.” Ellie said. “They’re so… captivating, Ross. So blue… so true, and one of a kind!”
“I understand it’s all in the eyes, Ellie,” Ross said.
“—But it’s all what’s in the heart,” she finished. He nodded, looking out to the snow again.
“Do you think,” Ellie began. Ross looked at her, full attention on her. “You still have those drawings and profiles of your characters?” she asked, hopefully. “… I mean, if you’re still working on those children books after all these years, I could always try and—”
“Draw… them?”
She nodded; a shy smile lighting up on her face. He thought for a moment, wondering after all these years he would still have them with him. Ross felt flattered that she wanted to draw his old characters from childhood. He then smiled at her. “Okay. Let’s see if they’re here or not.”
~**
He knew that Henry wouldn’t be back for about a half an hour, he was working late at the Cardinal Glennon hospital. Ross dug inside a drawer of his dresser, trying to seek out his childhood fantasies. Pencils and heaps of notebook paper were crammed in the far left, where Ross thought he may have left.
“I remember bringing them once we moved here,” he said to Ellie, “Just—wait a minute…” He saw a small drawing on an old piece of paper. Ross grinned with triumph, finally finding his old works under such clutters. He brought out the papers, running a gentle hand across. His blue eyes widened in shock.
“Wow,” he breathed, “… I sucked so much when I was a kid.”
“No, you didn’t,” said Ellie, resting both hands on his shoulders. She squatted down next to him, reassuring in support. “They look fine. Especially Zinc and the Myraans.” He passed her one of the folded papers, and she took it. Unfolding it, Ellie gasped. “Awww…”
It was a picture of Zinc and his best friend, Zoey. Princess of Dralona.
“robably… Freshman year of high school?” Ross thought, clearing his throat. “If I had references with me, it was to be much better.” Ellie shook her head. “No, they’re cute as could be! They just need…”
“Need?”
“A little touching up, that’s all.” She said. She reached for another drawing, taking it into her grip. Ellie drew away quickly, her brown eyes widening in terror.
“Ellie, what’s wrong?” Ross asked in concern. “What is it?”
She had shown him the picture, a hand covering over her mouth. Ross sighed. He had felt his teeth grit from behind his lips. It was a picture of Zinc’s head, decapitated with the words spelt out in pencil, “Goodbye Ross, ‘hope you remember the good-times, buddy! – Love your best bud, Randall Creed.”
Ross shook his head repeatedly over, crumpling up the paper. Ellie looked compassionately at him. “Oh Ross, who—”
“Would do such a thing? Randall Creed of Children of Society.” He answered. “D—don’t worry about it, alright? It’s only a drawing.” Ellie narrowed her eyes. “No. No, Zinc is your character,” she said softly but with sternness, “That boy from the orphanage—”
“Is in prison.” Ross finished. “It doesn’t matter now. I’m free of him. Ellie, Zinc is a fictional character. He doesn’t feel anything. That goes for Jlix and Kyra too.”
“But they’re apart of you, it’s who you are.” said Ellie. “They have pieces of your personality. That’s what is creative about your mind, and your heart. What you feel… is what your characters feel.” She placed a hand on his chest. Ross felt himself bite the bottom of his lip, guilty of doubting her.
“Don’t let Creed hold you back from your dream. You can make it real, Ross.” Ellie murmured. “…We can make it real.”
“We?” Ross sounded surprised. Ellie smiled, embracing him into a comforting hug.
“Yes. We.”
We…
Ross then had a rush of thoughts back into his head.
“Maybe when ya’ll be an author, you can marry a drawer. She can draw you pictures when you write the books!”
She was an artist. He was a writer. If the two combined, they would become unstoppable. An unstoppable team of two creative minds to pursue their dreams straight into realities. That is what they were. Ross smiled, returning the warm hug. The two seemed to never let one another go, just hugging warmly without a care in the world.
“And what do we have here?” A voice came.
Ross jumped, breaking the embrace. He whirled his head, and sighed in relief. “It’s only you,” he said. Hank grinned, resting his weight against the doorway. He was still dressed in his hospital material, blue shirt and pants.
“Sorry for bargin’ in,” Hank said. The white-wide grin was still spread across his face. “Jus’ wondering if you were still up.”
“Yeah… yeah, I am.” said Ross, nodding. “I was just… explaining to Ellie of our new ideas, that’s all.”
“Oh really?” said Hank, raising a brow. Ellie giggled, pressing her lips together.
“Yes, in fact, I’ve agreed to illustrate Ross’s books. That is… if I can draw a dragon and ‘Myraan’ if I can. I’ll try.” She said. “I really should be getting back, it’s getting pretty late.”
“Would you like for me to walk you home?” Ross offered.
“Oh most definitely,” Hank cut in. “’A little lady like Ellie needs to be protected. Don’t you agree, Ross?”
Ellie burst out laughing, taking Ross’s hand in her own. “Actually, I’d be most grateful.” Henry waved his arms into the air. “You see? You’ve got the smooth moves down already, brother!”
“Very funny,” Ross remarked, cracking a silly grin.
He grasped Ellie’s hand, squeezing it. He looked at her, smiling more. She beamed. The two excused themselves from the bedroom, entering the thin staircase and hurried down it. Hank shook his head, that white smirk still on his face. He walked over to his own bedroom, shutting the door behind him.
